it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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