just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
