I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
