Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
