Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
