My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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