dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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