i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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