and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
