I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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