so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
