when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
