can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
