she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
