Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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