You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize