I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
