Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
