i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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