My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
