ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
