The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
