Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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