went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
