So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize