You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
