I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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