sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
