Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
