The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
