But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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