you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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