1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
