sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
