I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
