My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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