Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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