I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
