there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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