On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's always time for handjobs
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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