guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
