my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
