Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
