She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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