so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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