If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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