i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Semen is not good for contacts.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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