So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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