I'm jealous of your bromance
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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