I'm going to jail i love you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
FUCK WHALES
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
