I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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