Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
