I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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