tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
