i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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