You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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